Alright, so I'm not one for bugs. I hate the way they just invade your territory, getting their dirty little bug feet all over your stuff. trying to eat your delicious food, attempting to get all up in your face or eyeballs and sometimes they even mooch off your cable and hot water.
The hell?! In real life, we call these guys squatters.. and we get them the hell out.
So last week, I arose plenty early as I always do. Not as early as my partner (bugger that, hey!) but still about two hours or more before I have to even prepare to go to work. This is pretty funny because work is now less than ten minutes away from my den. Anyway, I felt the need to hunt down some breakfast, so I ventured out from the bedroom... and then I felt it.
That horrible moment when you know something is watching you. Staring into your soul with the force of ten suns. Carefully I look around and then there it is. The elephant crawling up the wall in the room. A massive spider.
Yeah alright, so it's not the biggest one I've ever seen but it's still bigger than I'd like in my home.
How big is acceptable in my home?
^ That big. Don't adjust your screen, that's literally how existent these things should be in my presence.
So there it is. Just casually sitting over the gateway to the eating place, doing everything a spider can.
Well, a lazy spider anyway. It only moved when I inched towards the archway. Moved towards ME that is.
WTF?! This is my territory! Move it, I'm hungry! I don't want you falling on my head in a cannibalistic frenzy so I have to flail around on the floor like a crazy cat person instead of preparing a nice breakfast like a sane person.
So I ninja rolled through the archway, threw myself against the wall cocking my bug-spray rifle and using a mirror to peer around the corner.
Silence.
I leaped through the air shooting the spray and screaming, action movie style. Direct hits all around but no progress, still it stays on the wall, maybe moving a step forward or a step back but no more. Desperate, I attack again. The growls from my stomach are almost as loud as the ones in my throat.
This is my last stand! I will not be defeated!!
The last stand became a sit as I went back to the bedroom to start getting ready. It's been half an hour. Nothing has changed. This Goliath of a spider beast has been doused so much in spray that it's buggy coat gleams. The hallway of my home smells like a high school change room after a deodorant fest. I pack an umbrella because when I peer out, it's a bit misty.
Still hungry, I'm doing my bathroom business when about twenty-twenty five minutes later I hear a super loud THUNK. Like, no kidding. A real life comic book THUNK. THUNK I tell you!
Had I won? Was the world saved again thanks to a plucky young tiger and her endless can of poison?
Answer: Yes. Yes. At long last. Breakfast time!! Stepping over the mangled body of my enemy that I leave until my partner gets back so hopefully he'll clean it up - I head to the kitchen of victory, full of pride and left over adrenaline.
Long blog short: Don't *?@! with me in the mornings.
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