You know what bugged me most about the time that I was job searching? The massive incompetance owned by people with full time jobs. Why? I would despair. Why did you hire them, and not me?? I would actually look like I was enjoying the work, if not do it better!
Seriously, there is nothing worse than worrying about where the money's going to come from next and then at the shops or on the phone you get smacked in the face with someone who just couldn't care less about their job or customer service. Everything you've ever been told in your previous roles - don't chew gum, don't say 'whatevah' or 'is that it?', don't have outrageous hairdo's/tattoo's/piercings, wear the right uniform, don't text your boyfriend under... alright, or over the counter - they just didn't apply.
Then I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Someone also told me to stop playing on the train tracks of over used puns and cliches, but HEY obviously he didn't get anywhere by staying there and telling me that so here we go.
I COULD BE A WOMEN'S MAGAZINE EDITOR!!!
Now, don't scoff. We've come along way from the sexist stereotypes and stupid products and.. and.. bad advice... and it appears we've come full circle! That's a codeword for 'progress', kiddies.
I have mentioned that I will devour any reading material if it gets to close. Heck, I read *Twilight*. *TWILIGHT*. Why?! Well, I was kind of forced to do it, and I suppose deep down I just hoped it would get better. (Spoiler: it didn't. Holy crap, it was a train wreck I could have stopped by just shutting the book and walking away but I... just thought that maybe.. maybe the 'author' would realise the mistakes she was making and put them right..) ((Double spoiler: she didn't. She just negotiated movie contracts and filmed the train crashing.)) (((Wow, I'm still going with the train thing? I thought that ended a paragraph ago.)))
So at work in lunchtime, I might flick through one of these accursed women's magazine. Sometimes you can find interesting health facts or a good website, perhaps a movie review or a coupon of some description. Not really, that's false hope as those rags get patted down better than the cops.
The culprit: NW April 25th 2011
The crime: Making teh no sense.
Here's a hint. If you are going to devote an issue to facelifts and other surgical procedures, try and get your subject at the same angle both times. Yes, this involves pre-planning and potential time travel but it's worth it.
Don't just argue point blank that so and so's had another nose job when you give me one profile shot and one picture of the back of her head.
The next tip is something that could cancel out some of the body snark you encourage. You, madam, have given me three pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow. Above it, you have written 'The many faces of Gwyn' but below it I see a snap of her with dyed hair, some sort of candid shock photo and one smiling face at a premiere or something. What bothers me is that you are trying to tell me that she's had something done because of the differences. A blind person could have done a better job than you. Want to guess why? You're trying to compare a 'surprise face' photo with a relaxed smiling face one. Go on. Take some pictures of yourself looking the same way. Now, which one has more lines? Yeah, that's what I thought you frickin' idiot.
More on the body snark - why do you have to put a glamor photo next to a candid one and then tell us the star's hit the skids. Noo... she just doesn't live in make up and six inch heels and you're trying to make her feel bad for it. Same as those little candid snaps of a celebrity lost in thought that suddenly appear with huge words next to them screaming out 'depression!!'
All these insiders you find.. do they come from an agency? No, you don't fool anyone. Yes, there are lowlives that will dish dirt on people if they think they're going to pay them. People will hurl in famous people's closets if they think something good will come of it. Someone you meet on the street who doesn't even know who you're talking about can suddenly become an insider for financial gain. Or they could just be you, hiding your gossipy lies behind the cardboard cut out of the insider.
So yeah, this would be an ideal career if the celebrities stopped trying to sue you for the damages spread by your lies. It's hilarious though when you read the letters, your readers obviously take your crap for gospel.. which is actually kind of scary.
I don't understand why people read this trash on a regular basis. I don't care if someone's wearing a baggy shirt to cover a pregnancy or because they feel like a baggy shirt that day. It's pathetic and out of date in a week anyway. More people should read magazines that make sense, like MAD. Then maybe they would understand my sense of humour.
One can dream.
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