Life for me at the moment is a quite.. can I say, comfortable mix of good and could-be-improved-a-lot. I'm not really one to complain. I can though, if you give me a chance. Certainly, I have my share of mental beef. Just sort of sifting through it at the moment, it's so much clearer to see after bits and dabs like, misplacing someone you thought cared about you.
All the time I tell myself, don't do (this) for (that person), they'll never do the same for you. But I can't stop myself, I want to be good, I want to keep those around me happy. So, yeah, it kinda makes me sad when you realise that someone who kept telling you that they were there to help, that they wanted the best for you, that they would do anything for you.... just wouldn't.
I still thought I would miss their company, I mean, I told them I would but to be honest, it's like they've fell off the face of the earth. This is my world, you just don't exist in it. Maybe someone thought you up once, but it was put in the bad ideas pile and never thought of again. I like it this way. I should have killed them off so much earlier.
Looking back on my life as a whole, I've always been kind of... out of it. Like I'm watching my story though someone else's life. I don't feel most of it. Now I'm wondering if that's actually just me, or if I'm actually going through depression, a bipolar phase or some sort of identity disorder.
I was told to look at some information about those, and at first glance these things seem to express the way I feel but I guess I'll need to look into it much deeper. Maybe face my fear of people and get help. I don't know. But I'm pretty good at coping, and I know I'll be fine.
When I'm with my Panda.. these things don't bother me.
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